Moving Forward

I liked how you used so much emotion to explain the characters actions. You didn't just say the girl came because the plot wanted her to, you made her want ...

It's good because it has very vivid imagery. One thing you could work on is developing it more, so that it become more than one paragraph. This could also be ...

Okay, let's get this straight...People have names like Alastrona, Zephan and Cassius, and she drives a Mitsubishi Express? I've not been to Maine, but... A name like Toast would almost ...

This was good. I liked that it was simple, yet it was complete: beginning, middle, and end. Also, the description is sufficient for the story. It's a simple story; you ...

That was awesome! After reviewing two of your works, I'm starting to see a pattern: a simple, honest storyline, that keeps your attention even though you think you should be ...

I love a story that makes me laugh out loud, and this one did! It was funny thinking, why does he let some dude live with him who yells at ...

It looks like you have your idea developed very well. It is a good base for your writing, but please don't put this in a book/story. It's a massive info-dump. ...

It look like you have a good start. Some of it was hard to read because of all the run-on sentences. You should try to add some punctuation. Another thing ...

I liked the peoples names. I am confused: are Deamon and the main character brothers? If not, are there two sets of parents? Why did they only look in one ...

I thought the story was well-developed. It had a good end, and I like how you left the reader to wonder whether the family would escape or not. Mama! No ...

I liked how the main character new exactly how long it took the step-father to get to her on various occasions. I also liked the description of how her mother ...

Although Jane knew how her son’s tantrum could go bad, The 'how' throws me off. Instead, you could say she knew 'that' it could go bad. If you say how, ...

Take a 360 degree scope of the room surrounding. This last two words felt odd to me. Maybe you could rephrase it as 'your surroundings' or 'your room's surroundings'. Even ...

This was good! I liked that you got straight to the point and didn't waste time elaborating on details. I didn't notice any glaring mistakes, and that's always a good ...

If anyone had choosen differently, I'd have to be defending the rights of purebloods, however, it's the muggleborns we have chosen to out. The first 'choosen' should be 'chosen'. Muggleborns ...